TWILIGHT: THE MOVIE
Well, I finally did it. No, I didn't kill anyone; outside of a few bran cells.
So. Twilight. How do we start... I'm sure everyone knows the basics: Vampires, Girl, Highschool, Romance. Oh, and the vampires don't die from the sun, or wood stakes, or garlic. Or serious injury.
In fact, the sun not only doesn't kill them, it makes them DAZZLE SPARKLE. Like DIAMONDS. And they all have their own special powers; super speed, psychic, senses. Because they are all special and unique snowflakes. Oh, and everyone loves them. AND they dont drink blood, unless they want to, because killin' is wroooong. And they take public high school year after year, for the hundred or so years they have been alive. Did I mention every one loves them?
And then there is the Main character, BELLA. She is smart, beautiful, romantic, and cool. She has boys fawning over her all the live long day, looks after her scatterbrained mother (read: Borderline Retarded), and is "part of the family" of centuries old vampires within a month of knowing them. I assume as a Pet.
A Mary-Sue you say? Unrealistic? Of course not! Because she is also LOL GOOFY DITZY CLUMZY HURRF DERP! Between mountains of bella being hot shit in a champagne glass, we are reminded of just how goofy and regular she is!
So there is a bit of character establishment, origins, etc. There is no real plot outside of the obsessive love story for a while. Remember, CONSTANT staring= TRUE LOVE. Later in the story, the vampire family having a good ol' American game of baseball! Silly little Bella was the umpire of course, because this wasn't regular baseball. It was Bugs Bunny-esque SUPER BASEBALL. The super strong, super fast, super agile vampires were hitting the balls miles away, breaking the sound barrier, and then running FASTER then the balls, just to bounce around like Mario and Luigi on the trees to catch it. And to put the poison icing on this ridiculous cake, this was all filmed in Micheal Bay-Vision®, where it would zoom in on the ball being hit in super slow-motion, then fast-motion on Edward running, and matrix freeze turn around on some other guy colliding with him in midair. All it needed was a little 12 year old child seeing a small glimpse of the action and saying "WHOA."
This scene cut short by three obviously evil vampires crashing the party. Why obviously evil? Well, they were walking out of fog, have long hair and crazy clothes, and were the only vampires that didn't have snowy white skin, dazzling eyes, and perfect hair. In fact, the leader of the evil vampires was Rastafarian or something! Remember kids, anyone who dresses different, talks funny, or has different skin is evil and dangerous. *The More You Know chime*
Trouble ensues, and Bella has to escape the state, because this one vampire wants her, rather than any other human, for some reason. Probably to make Edward cry. So, after Bella packs up and insults her very kind and understanding father, all the good vampires hop in their Aston Martins and Ferraris (IN HIGH SCHOOL) and drive Bella down to Arizona for some reason. What does Bella do in the effort to keep herself alive? The exact same thing I would do: inexplicably escape from the good vampires. At night. Alone. IN AN ACTUAL HALL OF MIRRORS. That's MENSA quality, right there. I couldn't make this up if I tried. Naturally, the evil vampire starts to attack her, while videotaping it. Just when this might have turned into a mildly entertaining rape scene, Edward saves the day, just in time! One more crazy overpowered fight scene, and Bella passes out and is checked into the hospital.
But oh no! The PROM IS TOMORROW! Edward takes her, even though it is probably his hundredth prom. There is a cute little conversation of how Bella wants to be a vampire, and Edward thinks its a curse. His curse that allows him to live forever, have superpowers, and be indestructible. The poor devil. The movie ends with them slow dancing all romantic like.
SUMMATION: There are alot of bad things I can say about this movie. The constant tilty camera angles, the ridiculous plot, the GOD AWFUL acting, the super low saturation = GRIM DARK. But there was one redeeming quality. Bella's dad had an awesome mustache. It was like he was an awesome lumberjack or something. And he ate Steak and Cobbler, and watched movies with his daughter on a big ol flatscreen, and, in my mind, ran an underground fight club. Other than that, this movie was super lame, and a perfect candidate for Rifftrax. (actually, I watched it on a mogulus channel, so on one side it is the movie, and the other is a chat screen, wherein riffing took place. Good times had by all.
I won't give stars, or numbers, or letter grades for this film. Only a visual approximation of my face throughout the film.
Thanks for reading, your pal,